It's been a while since my last post.
This past Sunday, we had a guest pastor and he talked about engagement in the sense of rebuilding the temple of God. What can we do to get engaged in the church and what does it mean to be disengaged? One of the main points the pastor talked about was dissatisfaction - consequences of putting oneself before God. This is something that has brought a lot of conviction in my heart; not just from this sermon but over the years. If we pursue ourselves, we will never be satisfied because our worldly accomplishments will never live past ourselves.
"Now, therefore, thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways."
Haggai 1:5
Am I studying for myself (money, fame, parents' satisfaction) or am I studying to glorify God and His Kingdom? This past semester, I switched over from pre-pharm to med and throughout college, this question has been ringing in my head. With my third year of college coming in full force, I've been feeling really unsatisfied - unsatisfied with myself, with how my life is going, and just really empty. I don't feel engaged and I'm getting really mad at God's timing.
Yesterday, I got in a car accident - someone had rear-ended me (it honestly hadn't even been a year since I got this new car) and I was at first really scared and shocked. It was my first wreck, and I didn't know what to do. I called my dad, shaking, and he comforted me over the phone. I was really upset - why does this have to happen now? Soon enough those feelings of fear and shock turned to anger. Why God? Why did someone have to rear-end me? Do you realize how much more stress and trouble I have now? Just why? I was mad at God's timing. With my dad gone in California and my apartment move-in date this Saturday, everything was just piling up. And now this. My school schedule isn't even finalized yet, it hasn't even been a day since my birthday, I'm being drowned by work, and now I need to drive around a rental car for around a month. God, I had so many plans this week too. I wanted to go to my youth group's summer retreat on Tuesday, I was planning on meeting people throughout the week; this, that - I couldn't help but think about all the plans that were ruined because someone else was being stupid. Because someone else wasn't paying attention to the road. I was angry - upset at myself for being selfish and greedy for wanting a smoothie on the way home. Frustrated at myself for taking a sooner exit off the highway. WHY DID I DO THAT.
This was all part of God's plan - even if I didn't get off the freeway earlier, I probably would have ended up in an accident somewhere else. But, God was trying to teach me something and it correlated directly to the pastor's message. "Consider your ways." He wanted me to take a moment and reflect - look within my heart. Where was my heart? What were my intentions? I realized my heart was hard and cold; hardened by my own selfish desires and cold from all the pain I had inflicted on myself. I wasn't putting God as my priority - it is and always has been just about me. That's why I wasn't satisfied and that's why my heart was like a rock just sitting, taking up space within me. I'm still really immature... I still have a lot more to grow, but thank You God for teaching me something new everyday. Thank You for Your grace and unconditional love. I betray You so many times, I get angry at You, and I complain - but You're constant, standing there with open arms. Lord, let Your will take lead in my life.
Michelle Joo